Why Growing Old Doesn’t Actually Suck.

Are you scared to get old? Are you one of those people? I mean, just take a look at old folks next time you’re out. They drive those carts at Walmart like there’s nobody else around. They read the back of a can of hominy for five whole minutes. They slouch, all of them. Their bones weaken and their hips break. They wear flimsy clothes and there’s no color in their hair. They end up in rest homes or hobbling around on a cane. They love ballcaps and all-you-can-eat senior specials. They’re all out there getting in the way and just waiting to die. It sucks, don’t it?

But think again, as I have recently. Sure, old people are ugly and they can barely chew and they don’t like being stared at. But maybe on the inside it’s really cool to be old. Maybe you don’t really get slower and stupider. Maybe it’s the opposite. You just realize as you grow older that you don’t need to think about all the shit you thought about when you were young. Maybe it’s really fuckin cool to be old. Did you ever think of that one?

For years I’ve dreaded growing old. It was the worst thing about being alive, or so I thought. And now? Now I’m excited to get old. Think about being say…..70 and pondering back on that many years of life. Especially if you’ve live and exciting and fulfilling existence. Especially if you have tons of great stories to tell.

You know the old people running around right now are the same people who went through WW2 and civil rights and the 60s and JFK getting shot and the birth of television and Vietnam and Woodstock. Hell, there’s still a few people who survived prohibition and the great depression. Imagine what it’s like to see that much history. It’s pretty great to be alive, as much as we don’t want to believe it.

What if you have kids and grandkids and even great-grandkids? Then you have all of those memories and a big fat legacy to leave behind you. You raised three kids into semi-functioning adults with kids of their own and you’re retired and sitting on your porch when they visit and you still see yourself in them. Imagine what that must be like.

Everyone’s so scared to get old. You’d think it’s because when you’re old, you’re closer to death but that’s not why we’re scared. We’re scared because we think it sucks to be old because just look at how ugly old people are, right? Those old cronies must be suffering so much, right? Why else would they walk around so slowly and smell like Ben-Gay? Turn on the TV and all you see are ads for products to make you look and feel younger. There’s an entire industry searching for the fountain of youth. And if you’re one of those people who bows down to commercials, you’re falling for it. Don’t.

Just think again, that’s all I’m saying. Maybe it’s great to get old. Maybe you become ultra-enlightened the older you get. Then at the very end you get to go crazy with Alzheimer’s and dementia and other people will wipe your ass for you. Not a bad way to go. I’m just over thirty years old and I’ve overcome my fear of getting old. I’m once again enlightened. And when I see that old couple shuffling their way out of church, I don’t dread it anymore. Now I just think “Huh.”

Nootropics: Week Two

I’ve done some more research on these things because things were working weird for me. I’ll get to that though. I went to church again and the foyer area was loaded with people and their voices built into this cacophony that was almost overwhelming. It was almost like I could hear everyone’s voices and conversations.

I’ve grown used to the sun being brighter, the dirt factory smelling strange. And the music now sounds crisper.  I think I’ve figured out how to dose just right.  The waves of sleepiness are caused by my choline levels not being correct. So one day this week, I tried to take less choline with my piracetam. The fogginess and waves of sleepiness increased. I woke up the next morning with a growing headache and I felt like I didn’t get any sleep. When I upped the choline intake, the waves of sleepiness (which I’m now convinced are just a side effect) diminished and there was no more headache.

Now I take half a gram to a gram more choline than piracetam twice a day. Just twice. When I take it three times a day, there is fog. It doesn’t work correctly. Once in the morning and once when i get off work is enough. In fact, sometimes it keeps me up in bed, even when I take my dose at 5pm. It’s a fine line to walk, nootropics.

I took a test in literature class and I delved deeply into that textbook and hammered down lengthy answers. Before I went to class, I was dreading it. Even when I sat down to take the test, I didn’t want to do it. At. All. But I did it anyway. Nootropics motivate me to bury my head down and do things I don’t want to do but I have to do.

So it works for me. I process information quickly and efficiently. I retain details better. My dreams are ridiculous and surreal (including one where I joined the Ninja Turtles). That’s about it for now. My writing is improving, I banged out a decent spy tale in about 30 minutes. No real complaints here. Except the teacher gave me a C on that bullshit test.

Skins: The End

And with that, Skins is over. There will be some special episodes for each generation next year, but after last night’s finale, that’s it for new casts or characters. It couldn’t last for long, I knew it was going to end soon. But it’s still sad. There’s only so many archetypes to go through and the writers did them all and then some.

The show is told through what’s been called “generations”, as we the viewers are only given two seasons for each cast. These are their last two years of school. This format makes for great fun in storytelling, as there’s a limited amount of time to tell an effective story and this format grants the writers much more liberty with the characters.

I used to see previews for it when I’d watch Top Gear or Peep Show on BBC America and it looked interesting enough, albeit it “just another teenager show”, I thought back then. I tried to watch an episode once but I fell asleep. Then one day a friend was watching it and I sat and watched for a few minutes and I was hooked. The music, the style. It was this cool looking kid skateboarding to this great music (which the entire series is full of) and he had all these scratches and skateboarding wounds up and down his arms. It seemed to real to me, almost to the point of being surreal. That sentences sums up Skins perfectly. Sometimes it went over the top but it worked. Sometimes a character broke the fourth wall but it worked. Sometimes it went way surreal but, yep. It worked.

I wanted to write about this seminal show because it’s grown into my favorite thing on TV. I’ve enjoyed it more than Dexter, more than Breaking Bad, more than The Wire. There, I said it. It’s better than The Wire and I’ll explain why for anyone who hasn’t seen it or isn’t a fan (Skins, that is. Anyone who isn’t a fan of The Wire is a fool). I’ll even do it generation by generation so it will be FUN. I’m not even going to warrant the US version with anything beyond its mention in this sentence.

*There will most likely be some spoilers here, although I’ll save you the big twists.

Generation 1 (Seasons 1&2)

Guess which one's gay??

Ah, the originals. Tony, Sid, Michelle, Cassie, Jal, Chris, Maxxie, Anwar, Sketch (not pictured, a lovely girl), and brief appearances by the ever elusive Effy (More on her later). They were the more naive, quirky generation of Skins. The more malicious characters were minor characters and were treated as such. Never given their own episode.

How Skins works is interesting and it shouldn’t work but it does. Each character gets his or her own episode. Although there are larger story arcs, each character gets his or her chance to show us who they are, to win us over. Even if you hated them at first. Sometimes two characters will “share” an episode and there are a few “everyone” episodes.

What do kids do at these ages? It’s a simple enough premise. They party and fuck each other and do loads of drugs. Skins takes this often-used concept and turns it on its side. All I can explain is that the show is about teenagers partying and trying their best to make it despite their circumstances.

Tony Stonem is the ringleader of the group. He’s clever and manipulative, cunning and confident. Sometimes he sings, most of the time he hates his parents. He’s the big brother to Effy, who only appears here and there during the first generation. Tony’s best friend is the geeky Sid, desperate to lose his virginity. Tony is dating the initially bitchy but ultimately kind Michelle, queen bee of the group. Then there’s the mental Cassie, whose character development was the most marked of all the cast. Maxxie and Anwar seemed more like minor characters to me. We can’t forget fun-loving Chris, the party animal of the group. He’s dating Jal, the modest, level headed girl of the group.

Sid gets into trouble with the ridiculous drug dealer Madison Twatter, aka Mad Twat, a classic character who only appears in a few episodes until he breaks Jal’s expensive clarinet and is then quickly dispensed by Jal’s father. Beyond that, it’s the typical partying and screwing each other over. Tony is hit by a bus at the end of season one. Cassie moves away to Scotland. Maxxie comes out of the closet. Chris has a disease. Sketch stalks Maxxie, even trying to kill one of his potential suitors. Also, Sketch ties up her ailing mother so she can go out and stalk Maxxie. Hilarious, right? By the end of season two, you lose who you loved and you love who you used to hate. That’s the brilliance of Skins, it’s just one big character study.

The first generation is the fan favorite, as many people saw a decline in the next two casts. I only see the first generation as the originals. They weren’t my favorite cast, no.

Favorite girl:

Cassie really won me over. In the first episode, she was this annoying and shrill spaced out lunatic. By the end of season two, she was a complex, complicated genius who overcame mental illness and an eating disorder and handled herself well despite her circumstances. She had the best ending of the cast as well.

Favorite guy:

Probably Chris. He was a pretty standard character but he had the best lines and the best attitude of the cast.

Generation 2 (seasons 3&4)

This was the wild generation, much more so than the first. Generation two was more colorful, more ballsy. Effy takes the stage here and completely steals the show. She’s remained mostly silent until now. She’s a troubled soul, constantly high or causing problems. Season 3 introduces us to bad boy Cook, nerdy JJ, emo Freddie, lesbians Emily and Naomi, head bitch Katie (Emily’s twin), quiet and noble Thomas, and annoying and naive Pandora.

The new crop of partiers have all of their own sets of problems and dysfunctional families. Effy descends into madness over the whiny and romantic Freddie. He’s having his own problems with best friend Cook, who also has eyes for Effy. Cook himself is unlikable at first. He’s a bully and much more of a troublemaker than Effy. The third part to their group of friends is JJ, magician and virgin. He’s a throwback to Sid, although not half as cool. JJ is quite the spaz. Then there’s the Fitch twins, Katie and Emily. Katie is Emily’s overbearing, conniving counterpart, as Emily is introverted and thoughtful. Emily has a crush on political and passionate Naomi and the two eventually hook up in some of the hottest sex scenes I’ve seen anywhere, especially on TV.

Cook and Freddie fight over Effy. Pandora struggles with Thomas. Katie gets hit in the head with a rock. Emily rides a scooter and struggles with coming of age and losing Naomi. Naomi goes head to head against Cook for class president. Effy goes crazy. Cook goes on the run from the law. JJ just wants respect. Classic television all around. Also, Cook’s dad is Super Hans from Peep Show, brilliant.

This was my favorite generation. Unpredictable and kinetic. Passionate and gut-wrenching. This one had the best, most shocking ending of all three generations.

Favorite girl:

Effy was the fan favorite (again, more on her later) but I loved Emily from start to finish. She was quirky and adorable and her accent was the best. She was secretly a badass, especially in dealing with her awful sister.  And how could you not love her in that helmet with the little goggles??

At a close second was Freddie’s hilariously bitchy little sister.

Favorite Guy:

I hated Cook at first and I found him reprehensible. But he showed the most character development and made up for all the shitty stuff he did. Freddie was a pussy.

Generation 3 (Seasons 5&6)

Things seemed to change a little for the last generation. The characters weren’t as bold, weren’t as pretty. They were the outcasts of the school. The punk rockers and metalheads, the butch girl and the artsy one. It was different and not as good as the previous generations but this one worked as well, especially during the last season.

We’re introduced to androgynous Franky first, then the rest of the crew. Mean Liv and Mini. The lovely and elegant Gracie. Punk rock rejects Rich and Alo (aka Farmboy). Can’t forget the brothers, Matty the weirdo (Fuck off, Matty!) and Nick the jock. Later the enigmatic (aka gay) Alex shows up in one of the best episodes of the season.

Their first season was a bit of a bore, just working to introduce the characters. These weren’t the most interesting characters, kind of bland and forgettable. That is until season 6, where everthing really starts and the characters really shine in light of a heartbreaking tragedy. In typical Skins fashion, you find yourself loving who you used to hate and questioning them like they’re your best friends. You want Franky to get it together and find her real mom. You want Alo to end up with Mini and for her to be okay in the health department. You hate Matty and want him to pay for what he did. Nick should be with Franky, there’s no other way. These were my friends. This was by far the saddest generation, nearly every episode had me close to tears.

Favorite Girl:

Although I loved seeing plain weirdo Franky blossom into a complex, beautiful girl, Mini was my favorite. My favorite character in all of fiction is the bitch who struggles with being a bitch. That’s Mini perfectly described. I loved her Irish-tinged accent too.

Favorite Guy:

Nick was a dumb jock at first but when we were shown why he’s such an overacheiver, I was won over. He’s tough and interesting and turned out to be a really good guy.

On Effy

This brings us to Effy. I can’t end this without mentioning Elizabeth “Effy” Stonem, Tony’s little sister. Her evolution was brilliantly done, from mute waifish schoolgirl to promiscuous wildchild to her descent into madness and back. She may be the best character ever on TV, she was that well written and acted. Her character helped to remove some of the stigma behind mental illness. Her suicide attempt was real and heartbreaking. Her struggles with Freddie struck right at home. Not to mention, she’s just really fucking cool. Just look at her:

On The End

Next year, each generation will get two episodes a piece. Then no more Skins. It feels like these are my best friends and I’ll never see them again. This is the best writing and characterization I’ve ever seen on TV. If you’re a writer and you want to learn more about characterization, watch this show. It’s satirical. It’s Shakespearean. It’s authentic. It’s campy when it needs to be, they burst into song when they need to (okay that only happened once), they break your heart when you least expect it. This show is more alive in so many ways than anything else on TV. It’s bolder and more audacious and unforgiving and unapologetic. There’s nothing else like it and anything similar is only paying homage or ripping it off.

And when, on the last moment of the last episode, Rich (who has been through so much pain and loss) looks at the camera and smiles and says “goodbye”, you know the writers really meant it.

Nootropics – Week One

A simple Google search will tell you most of what you need to know about nootropics. They’re basically vitamin supplements used to increase cognition and focus. Perfectly legal and safe, nootropics are prescribed in other countries to treat things like alcoholism, schizophrenia, and Alzheimer’s. The drug works by strengthening and enhancing the connection between the right and left hemispheres of the brain using biology and neurological stuff I don’t understand. The side effects are minimal and I’ll get to those later.

I looked into the nootropics on the recommendation of a writer friend and the supplements looked interesting to me. After some pretty extensive (internet) research, I ordered some piracetam, as well as choline to alleviate the possible headaches. I’ve been on them for officially one week and there are noticeable effects, though several reviews complained that they’d seen no changes.

Day One.

The piracetam smells sweet, like a powdered drink. The choline has a distinct odor (or aroma if you’re into that sort of thing) and I’ll let your imagination decide what that odor is. I mixed 2 grams of each into some filtered water and it tasted like earwax.

I decided to go with the ‘shock dose’. How piracetam works is it has to build up in your system, which could take a week or more. With a shock dose, it cuts that time in half. All you do is take twice the recommended dose, putting you at 5-6 grams a day instead of 2-3 grams. After anywhere from 2 days to a week, you drop down to the 2-3 grams a day, spread out over three doses.

I felt different almost immediately. There are ‘levels’ of nootropics and piracetam is the lowest and least powerful of the bunch. It all depends on your physiology how well these things work. I’m sensitive to medications and caffeine and the like. I drink one small cup of coffee in the morning and that’s all I need. So I noticed effects right away.

Said effects are a little difficult to describe. It almost put me in a ‘zone’. I didn’t immediately create new ideas and have dense realizations right away, no. But I found myself paying much more attention to my surroundings, including sounds and smells. This is coupled with a general sense of well-being.

Day Two.

I woke up alert and well-rested, not in a total daze as per usual. This is the most tangible, enjoyable effect so far. I’ve been working early mornings for over 5 years and I’m still not used to getting up early. I feel half-dead until 10am or so. Not now. I was awake. Actually awake. But starved. I’d read somewhere that piracetam suppresses the appetite but it isn’t the case, at least with me. If anything, it’s the opposite. There is a noticeable craving present. Food seems to be the best way to satisfy it.

Today would be my first full dose, 5-6 grams. Half in the morning, half in the afternoon. Although there’s an immediate effect, it’s not a ‘high’. There is a sustained and manageable energy. My heart isn’t racing, I don’t feel jittery. I just feel…normal, like everything’s evened out in my brain.

Driving was interesting. Piracetam takes some adjusting to, as I found myself focusing too much on things that I didn’t notice before and not on the task at hand. There is some photo-sensitivity, the sun kind of bothered me. Smells are much more noticeable, especially near the dirt factory down the road from my house. Phew.

Day Three.

I woke up with almost no hangover, even though I’d gotten myself smashed the night before at a birthday party. I was hyperactive and comfortable at the party. People remembered my name. People almost never remember my name. At church with my mom, the preacher’s iPad cast a reflection all over the stage behind him and it was incredibly distracting. I found it difficult to maintain my composure and sit still and I was glad to get out of church and be in motion around people. This isn’t something you take and just sit there. It works the best when your brain is being challenged. I skimmed a French article and comprehended most of it. That’s when I knew this shit was working. Then I looked up a model number for our AC because my mom needed it and I remembered the entire thing, which was impossible before. I remember it right now, actually: RAKA-JAZ048.

Day Four.

First day back at work. I didn’t dread walking around every corner like I used to do. I barely remembered being at work by the end of the day. I finished all of my work and then some before I headed off to class. My anxiety levels are way down. In class, I paid attention to the professor the entire class, even though it was unbearably boring. The class is still clear in my head. I caught most girls in the class checking me out in my periphery. Either they noticed something different about my constitution or I’d never noticed them checking me out before. One of them smiled right at me. Girls never have the guts to smile right at me.

Day Five.

A review of piracetam said it made music ‘crisper’, but that’s the wrong word. It’s richer, more lush. It’s like the difference between $4 headphones from Walmart and $80 ones from Skull Candy. You hear all the nuances and cues in music, there’s much more than I realized.

I had to go to court and in front of a judge and a courtroom full of people to take care of a ticket. I was not phased. In fact, I found the whole experience enjoyable. People had become worlds easier to speak to. I made the judge laugh, made plans to pay the ticket, and left with half the courtroom staring me down.

Day Six.

The ‘fog’ arrives. I’d read about it in some reviews and forums. It’s almost like a white noise inside my head. And it’s like I’m tired and I want to go to sleep but I don’t fall asleep. There was minor confusion and hints of a headache. I decided it was time to drop down to the normal dosage the next day. This is how you know you’re probably taking too much. The fog.

My joints feel restless, like I need to get up and do something. I work a mostly sit-down job so it’s a little more difficult for me. I noticed neck and back pains more quickly than before and I find myself becoming sore from just sitting there. This is not a lazy man’s drug.

Day Seven.

I’ve dropped the dose down to 3 grams a day with the same effect as the shock doses I was taking. It was working, although I had some trouble recovering after too much caffeine in the morning. It was itchy and not fun at all. Nootropics will make you more sensitive to such things. Otherwise, I’m calm and focused on tasks I undertake, with the subtle and rare hint of anxiety. I feel fine. I feel like a normal person without having to pretend. And I feel brilliant.

Final Notes.

It’s not some miracle drug. It’s not really to get high, although if you took enough, you’d feel something resembling a high. But after a week, I speak with ease and never struggle with what words to use. My mental reflexes are efficient and noticeable. I formulate a quick plan and follow through. People don’t wind me up and bother me as much as before. My overactive brain has finally calmed down, it’s almost at rest and it’s hard to describe. Writing is simple and much more fun. I’m motivated to do things when they need to be done without all that apprehension I’m so used to by now. I’m not distracted by frivolous endeavours. I’m not bothered so much, not such a curmudgeon.

It worked for me and it doesn’t work for some people. There are stronger nootropics than piracetam but I don’t like drugs and I don’t like being high all the time so piracetam works for me. If I see it becoming a crutch, I’ll stop doing it. I won’t have that. But it’s definitely working so far. It may still be a little longer before I feel the full effects but I’m satisfied. There are still blank moments and brain-farts but they’re far less frequent and I recover from them quickly. There’s no more getting up to do something and forgetting what it was 5 seconds later.

If you want to try this stuff, take your time and do your research first. There’s plenty of it on the internet and I’m sure there’s medical journals covering it somewhere if you don’t really trust the internet. I don’t blame you, I suppose.

Doesn't quite work that way...

40 Thieves

There’s a reason I don’t work retail anymore. It’s because I’m a thief. My heroes are Danny Ocean and Lupin III. Jk jk. My heroes would never be fictional characters anyway. But on the reals, there’s a reason I don’t work retail anymore. For most of my working life, I’ve worked in stores or restaurants. It’s too easy, too boring. Therein lies the problem. I have to entertain myself and occupy my thoughts with something. Retail doesn’t allow for that. This is just an excuse, as I’m sure there are many excuses for all of the thievery I used to manage with ease.

It can be traced back to my first real job. I’d sacked groceries at this small and expensive grocery store for a bit but I don’t really count that one. I didn’t work there very long and I finally convinced my parents to let me quit with some quite real tears. I had to wear a tie and deal with rude and entitled rich people. The tips were awesome but now I’ve digressed. My first real job was as a cashier at an actual grocery store. It wasn’t the nicest neighborhood, I worked with thugs and punks. I thought I was a punk back then, even though I listened to Weezer and Third Eye Blind.

This was back before they started locking up cigarettes. The cigarettes were just on a rack by the cash registers and I’d watch daily as my coworkers pretended to stock and straighten the cigarette rack while they pocketed menthols. It was fun, it was funny. I didn’t smoke but I pocketed my fair share of snacks or books. Everyone hooked everyone up, at least the younger ones did. That job was a blast. I was one of the only white kids but the gangstas and troublemakers warmed up to me. I was the crazy white kid.

Then I figured out I could pocket money when I hooked people up. $100 in groceries? How does $20 sound? I’ll take it. It was too easy not to. And who doesn’t like free (albeit risky) money. I had regular customers in on my racket.

Then my cash register started coming up short, which wasn’t me. At first. they suspected this rude shift manager who worked in the customer service booth. I assumed it was her too so I helped her by taking a 50 myself here and there. They never suspected me, it was always someone else. Innocence was something I’ve always been able to convey, I suppose.

I’ll spare the details but leaving that job was one of those situations where I was asked to either resign or be off work while they investigated. I chose the former.

After that I manufactured computers for 6 months at what was then called Compaq. There wasn’t really anything to steal there and security was tight anyway. I mostly just slept on the job and never showed up on the mandatory overtime days and for fun I’d imagine people around me dancing to ridiculous 80s songs, especially the obese people. I still do that sometimes though.

Next was Blockbuster Video. Oh, Blockbuster Video. I perfected my thievery there. I still have most of the VHS’s I pilfered from that shit job. Even the managers took movies home. The best way to do it was before they’re scanned to inventory. Just take one out of the box, then scan the rest. It went mostly unnoticed. Even the managers did it. Well, not all of them. But the ones I was friends with did it. Video games too. If I didn’t take them myself, I’d have my friend come in and pretend to buy them. We were flipping Nintendo 64 games all over the apartment complex where I lived.

Memorizing coupon codes worked. You don’t have to scan them, just type in the code. Something was always coming up short somewhere so a few missing coupons also went unnoticed. If someone paid in cash, open the drawer and give them change, then type in the coupon and keep the rest of the money. In these kinds of things, you’re banking on the inefficiencies of bookkeeping and paperwork. Something was always coming up short somewhere.

I don’t remember who came up with the gift card scam, me or this other asshole I worked with at the time. How it works is you ring up a $5 gift card but then you activate a $50 gift card instead. It was a hole in the system. After that, use the now activated $50 card to pay for the $5 card you rang up and you just made $45. The gift cards weren’t really inventoried, just loosely counted. I’m not sure why they were watching the other guy on camera but that’s how the gift card scam stopped. He was caught on camera doing it and was charged with it. They never knew I was doing it too but they found out about other stuff and fired me over that. I didn’t go to jail like the other asshole though.

Kmart. I didn’t do much scamming there because their loss prevention was pretty hardcore. They were always on it. Once or twice a week they’d catch a shoplifter. I had a few methods though. CDs were easy to pull off. But all of the cashiers hooked each other up and I had a few regular customers slide me cash for some free goods. Luckily the store closed so I never had to pay back the restitution I owed them when I was finally “caught”. Ain’t thievin’ FUN.

I waited tables for a few years but the only thing I took from there was a steak sometimes or I’d have one of the cooks make me a cheeseburger. There was that time they were inventorying the bar and they had all of the bottles out on a table so we filled up some Styrofoam cups with Jack Daniels and split out of there.

Which finally brings us to the gas station. By this time I’d perfected corporate retail thievery. There were a multitude of ways to rip off a gas station. I’ll just share a few favorites. There was always chugging down energy drinks or beer in the cooler, too easy. Or pretend drive-offs but those were tricky because you had to explain what happened or what kind of car it was. I had this lottery ticket scam that was similar to my Blockbuster gift card routine. I kept my gas tank full with it. I’d grab a $5 or $20 scratch-off because they were almost always a winner. It’s the same bookkeeping inefficiency as Blockbuster. Scratch them off until you win $50 or $100, then ring up the loser tickets and use some of the winnings to cover them. You’re looking at $70-$80 a time with this one. And the lottery tickets were always a little bit off so no one ever noticed.

For a while they had these $25 Valentines Day scratch-offs. I figured those were bound to be loaded with winners and I was right. The scam was easy with the Valentines tickets. One day I almost grabbed one to scratch off but I decided not to because I had money in my pocket so I didn’t really need to scam any. The next morning I found out a regular customer won $20,000 from a Valentines ticket. Yes, it was the very same ticket I’d decided not to grab the day before. Can you imagine? I’d be a different person today if I’d grabbed that ticket and won $20,000, I know it.

I had zero regrets about all the scamming and stealing I did. To me, these were asshole corporations whose only concerns were profits. I was struggling back then so that was my justification for it. I won’t even get into all of the shoplifting I did. I’d worked at a privately owned smoothie shop and I never stole a thing from them. My grandparents used to own a record shop back in the 50s. It was very cool. My mom spent most of her childhood in their shop. When my grandma passed away, she left me boxes of old 45s from the shop. They’d hired someone outside of the family to work at the record store and the girl they hired ripped them off so much that they had to shut it down and head to the poor house. Our family has been poor ever since. I’ve never really stolen from individuals or small stores because of that.

Now I work in a lab where theft is not an option and I’m beyond those days anyway. Before this job, I was loading trucks at a warehouse. I weaned myself off of working in stores with all that easy money all over the place. Now the only thing I steal is hearts.

The Tap Girl

Attraction is not a choice, right? I mean, there’s not much you can do about it, you can’t really deny it or fight it when it’s there. That causes problems. On the other side, you can’t make someone attracted to you. All you’d do is wear down their defenses and then they’re only with you because they’re settling or something. Then you’re in one of those convenient relationships where you both secretly hate and tolerate each other. But who am i? I haven’t been in a relationship in years. This is purely an outsider’s perspective.

There’s this girl who works at the brewery by my house. She’s been working there for a year or so, i’m not sure. I’ve always thought she was cute. She has a subtle slouch and this naivety i find appealing. Then she’s got those dark bangs that curve over her forehead, not straight across like everyone else. Hidden buck-teeth and that scar under her nose. She’s cute and loaded with personality. I’d always make a joke or two when she poured my beer. I acted friendly, never laying down any game. That’s about it, she was cute and she poured my beer.

One day at the brewery, a coworker shows up. She’s pretty cool, kind of a hippy-chick but at the same time not a hippy-chick? Not sure how to describe that one. We hung out that day and BSed about Modest Mouse and Courtney Love and American Horror Story. It turns out the coworker is best friends with the cute tap girl. Like known-each-other-since-grade-school best friends. How convenient. The tap girl makes a comment about it when i get another beer. “Small world, huh?”

She knew me apart from all the other fools she poured beer for. I wasn’t just another drunk. BUT I REALLY AM, just kidding.

Okay so after all of that and one day at the brewery where i hung out mostly with the tap girl and the coworker, it’s the tap girl’s birthday. That was this weekend. Following? Is this interesting? Oh well.

The tap girl works there because she’s dating the brewmaster’s nephew. Pretty cool, huh? I have an in at my favorite brewery. Well, at the closest brewery. Anyway, the nephew/boyfriend is currently away at college. This could explain the tap girl’s extra friendly attitude lately.

He was in town for her birthday on Saturday. Now, i’m no homewrecker. I don’t really go after girls with boyfriends and i don’t know how to break them up. Plus that’s rude anyway. I’ll flirt and be friendly but i do that with everyone pretty much. So this dude is at the brewery Saturday and i met him for the first time. I’m hanging with the group, hanging at the reserved table, talking to people who worked at the brewery who i’ve never talked to before. It was pretty cool mostly. The nephew/boyfriend’s mom walks around the table and hugs everyone and says hi. Except for me, which was a little odd. Understandable though, i’m the new guy.

The tap girl is being funny, sweet. She burps and tells me i’m gonna hear her burp a lot. It seems to make her boyfriend uncomfortable when she talks to me. It’s not overt flirting, just little comments here and there. I’m trying not to step on any toes here. I like this brewery and i don’t want to ruin it over a girl.

Everyone goes outside to smoke cigarettes except for the tap girl. I decide to stay inside too, i didn’t feel like walking around anyway. Plus i can talk to the tap girl for a second without other people around. We chat for a second about the night before and how she went out drinking blahblahblah. Nothing special. still no overt flirting. Now the nephew/boyfriend’s mom reappears to say hi and give me a big hug and pretend she didn’t see me before. Interesting. The second i’m alone and talking to the tap girl, it’s time for the mom to interrupt and say hi.

Anyway, i took the hint and walked off when she started talking to the tap girl about stuff i didn’t care to listen to. How lame. You just know the boyfriend sent mommy in there to stop us from talking. There’s nothing going on, you know? And even if this girl decides to dump her long distance guy for me, there’s nothing they can do about it. In fact, they’ll only help things by getting in the way. Have you not seen The Notebook? Besides, she’s too young to be trapped in a boring long distance thing anyway.

Then there was the birthday party after the brewery that i was uninvited from. It was kind of understandable i guess, it looked like a family and friends kind of thing. It was also immature though. Really.

I’ll stand my ground though, be cool. I’m not stressing over this girl. I just thought it was interesting that the brewmaster’s sister all of a sudden felt the need to hug me and say hi the instant i talked to her son’s girlfriend. Remember, you can’t stop attraction. I’m not even flirting with this girl and if something’s happening, then it’s out of my control. I’m not just gonna ignore her, that’s awkward and stupid. I like this brewery and i’m not gonna stop going there just because the tap girl likes talking to me.

99 problems, you know?

The Cheeseburger. (A Recipe)

The purple is an onion, you fool.

My first visit to In-N-Out burger was interesting. Ever since I saw The Big Lebowski, I’ve wanted to go to one. Finally they’ve built some in Texas. So I went. I made sure to text my LA friends when I went, for advice and such. The line of cars was about 50 long and we had to park about 1/2 a mile away but we went in. There was only one empty table in the place and it was empty because it was dripping with vomit. I held my breath and the In-N-Out workers appeared with smocks and face-shields to clean it all up. Nice burgers, huh?

They were better than any fast food I’ve had down here. In the words of an LA friend, it’s not fast food, it’s an experience. Burgers I make are nothing like filthy In-N-Outs, I just wanted to tell the story about that time I saw vomit dripping off of a table. It was a lot.

I’ll add an appendix or whatever it is at the end if you want to grill it. Cheeseburgers are one of the only things I prefer to cook on a stove. Grilling’s not much different than the stove-top, I guess. It just takes longer so it’s harder to tell when the burgs are done.

The Shwag:

One elbow of ground chuck – An elbow is a pound. Get it? Lb? Elbow? Have you not purchased drugs before?

S&P – Not the stock market thing.

A sprinkle of seasoning salt

Paprika

Worcestershire Sauce – A few glugs of it.

BBQ Sauce – I swear by Sweet Baby Ray’s but you might have something better where you’re at. Just a squirt or two.

Sriracha – Remember, this is powerful stuff. Just a squirt or two.

Garlic – A clove oughtta do it.

Bread Crumbs – A Rachael Ray palmful. If you don’t have bread crumbs, crumble up some toast or crackers or, you know, GO TO THE DOLLAR STORE AND BUY BREAD CRUMBS, THEY ARE ONLY A DOLLAR.

One (1) beaten egg – I used to cook burgers with just an egg but you have to beat it. Like a cop. Rodney King, baby, yeah I beat it like a cop.

Beer – It makes me prettier. It’s best to use a stout or a porter but I really wanted to drink Belgian when I cooked this so I used New Belgium’s Belgo, their Belgian IPA. Uh. Yum. You’ll only need 1/4 cup so you can drink the rest. Woo-hoo!

Cheese – Dude, go out and splurge a little. Go to a fancy organic market or something. They let you sample any cheese they have. It’s an amazing food, cheese is. Once a month I hang out in the cheese section and spend 10 or so bucks trying a new cheese. Don’t just grab the processed stuff in film. This time I used Havarti because I LOVE white cheeses.

Anything else you want in your burger – People do crazy stuff in burgers. Onions work. Jalapenos are probably great. I like to keep it pretty simple though. This is a pretty flavorful, juicy burger when it’s done.

Squishin’ It:

I kind of hate this part. Because you have to go back and forth between having grimy, cow-flesh hands and washing them a few times. It’s really annoying but it’s kind of like an annoying girlfriend. You deal with the annoying stuff because she likes to dress up like a schoolgirl sometimes. Or whatever you’re into.

1. Get a bowl. Easy enough.

2. Whisk the egg in it until it’s a little bubbly and uniformly yeller.

3. Plop in the beef and everything else but the beer and seasoning salt. That means all of the other spices and goopy things. Don’t forget to glug in some Worcestershire sauce, then squirt some BBQ sauce and Sriracha in it too. And the bread crumbs. Shit, this is what I meant by “everything else but the beer and seasoning salt”.

4. Mush it. Roll it. Squish it. With your hands. You have to really get into it, break it apart and smush it back together. Really get dirty. You’re done when there’s no clumps or bread crumbs or egg left on the side of the bowl.

5. Wash your hands. Bullshit I know, because you’re about to do a little more smooshing.

6. Now for the beer. Pour about 1/4 a cup over the mound of swelled beef. Then roll it and squeeze it all through the beer. Don’t worry, the beef will absorb the beer, it’s really cool. This will make the burgers much juicer and flavorful.

7. Score it. Don’t know what that is? Ugh. All you do is section the surface of the beef mixture in half, then cross that half. Like an X. It helps to flatten the beef into the bowl first. This will ensure even-sized patties. You never knew burgers were so much work, huh?

I broke that plate the next day. Part of it hit my foot. It hurt.

8. Scoop out each quarter and form them into discs/patties. You know…LIKE A BURGER. Make sure they’re a little thinner, unlike the ones I did. They won’t cook right if they’re too thick.

9. Plop them on a plate and put some more S&P on it and some seasoning salt that you hopefully didn’t mix in with the rest earlier.

10. Wash your hands again. Last time, I promise.

11. Get the non-stick pan heated to medium-high. this step should perhaps have been a little bit sooner.

Flipping Them:

Stove:

1. Drop each patty on the pan, seasoned side down. It better sizzle.

2. A little more S&P and seasoning salt on the surface.

3. Leave them alone for about 5 minutes. Let them play in their own grease.

4. My brother says to add beer or water to the pan because it makes them juicier but i did that and it fucked with the consistency of the patties and made them all cracked looking. See:

They shouldn't really look like this. Brothers are annoying.

5. Flip ‘em. The other side should be pretty browned. Again, don’t touch them for a while. 5 minutes or more.

6. Flip ‘em one more time.

7. Cheese them. however much you want.

8. When the cheese is melted, the little buggers are done. Put them on buns and if you don’t have buns, toast some bread. Thataway it’ll hold up to the grease.

Grilling:

1. Drop each patty on the grill, seasoned side down. It. Must. Sizzle.

2. Close the lid and leave them alone for at least 5 minutes, maybe more. Same as on the stove top.

3. Open the lid.

4. Flip ‘em.

5. Close the lid.

6. Wait more than 5 minutes, actually. Make it 10. Grilling burgers tends to take longer.

7. Toast the buns on the grill. This is the good part about grilling instead of stovetop.

8. Flip ‘em again.

9. The cheese.

10. When the cheese is melted, they are done. Ta-da!

You know you cooked them right if your friends and family tell you “they taste like a restaurant’. Hey, know what’s good on a burger? A fried egg. Holy crap. Another reason why you should cook burgers on the stove and not the grill.