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Dog Days Are Over


Second verse, same as the first. Last weekend was like the weekend before. Party time then family time then recovery time. Add a bunch of driving to it and there you go, that was my new year.

The words are floating around in my cortex again, angry i haven’t let them escape. I can see them, they’re white and 3d and they float like a Windows screensaver. They drift by like a marquee. I hate them sometimes those words. They carry a lot of pressure; a lot is at stake with those words. And they’re always there, always.

I managed to leave work early on Thursday so i can get to Dallas before nightfall. It’s a stop at Walmart for some motor oil and bug juice and hair-color and then i can get out of town and get away from these burdens, they’ve become too heavy again.

Outside of Walmart, i pop the hood to insert the juices and oils and this old lady is waiting for me to pull out of my stop. Too bad, Ethel, i have business to attend to. When i open the hood, she pulls off and i avoid eye contact because get over it, i’m not even parked close to the door. I dump in the oil and the engine stinks a little because i really need an oil change but i’m bad at doing that. Then it’s the bug juice and as i’m dumping it in i remember my trip to Colorado not too long ago. Only one of the hoses works, the one on the left side of the windshield. That and the bug juice leaks, it’ll be gone probably before i get to Dallas. I decide to put in the other half gallon of it in too, just in case. I go to the trunk to get it but the old lady in her gold Lexus is back, waiting for the spot again. Well shit, she can have it. I toss the empty bug juice jug into the trunk and shove it shut.

I pull out and i’m off to Dallas and there’s a small line of cars behind the gold Lexus, including the little Walmart security car with its lights swirling. Whatever, i should have stayed longer. I should have lint-brushed my car before i left or littered the parking lot with empty cans and fast food bags first.

I have some McDonalds to eat, a chicken sandwich. I had a horribly obese craving for a burger but the grill wasn’t working so it was only fried stuff available. “Ew” i said to the nice Mexican lady when she told me. I felt bad she had to repeat saying that all day probably.

I’m tailgated all the way to Dallas, 6 or 7 times total. I’m going 80 the entire time but one after the other, there’s a car right on my bumper. Do they not see the mile or so of cars and 18-wheelers in front of me?? Entire lines of cars slow down and so do i but for some reason, any car that’s behind me doesn’t think they have to slow down. Over and over again i’m dealing with this but i’m not pulling into the right lane because then it’s back and forth between it and the left lane so i might as well stay in the left lane. Fuck. What’s the need to go fast all the time? Is your life that boring that your only thrill is driving 30 over the speed limit and anyone who’s not driving 30 over is an asshole?

I’m hungry and i have to piss when i get to Will’s and the fuel light came on as soon as i got there and i need to shower so i can put this color in my hair and get rid of the grays. Luckily, Will is cleaning house so i can slip past him with my dye and take a shower. There’s a heady pint of beer on the table in the living room but i’m in a hurry.

It’s bitter cold in Dallas, much colder than Houston. Will says he’ll drive to Two Rows for a pint and some food, which usually turns into 5 pints and some food and maybe a shot or two. This is good because my car’s dirty and the fuel light came on and i don’t feel like stopping for gas anyway. At the bar, before we sit down there’s a beer in front of Will, they know him that well. I order myself a red pint and it’s cold in the bar because people keep walking in and out. The only females in the bar are the bartenders and waitresses, just like everywhere i go. I feel like girls are in this hive and lately the hive has decided to not go out anymore because guys are dumb and they just want to get laid and ruin everything.

DJ and Jaime are joining us and there’s a blonde Will knows sitting a few seats down surrounded by weird old men. There’s two seats between her and Will so we put together a maneuver to get Will across those two seats by getting up and moving around when DJ and Jaime arrive. It works flawlessly but the blonde gets up and leaves seconds later. We eat some great nachos with fresh jalapenos on them and order shots of silver Tequila but she pours the house stuff instead. Will is too drunk to drive and the bartender hands him the wrong ticket and he signs it and walks away so she tells me she gave him the wrong receipt and i tell her just to split the tab in half. She asks if it’s the same tip i gave and i say yes and leave so Will tipped her $8 just like me and she made $16 on a $60 tab. He probably doesn’t tip her enough anyway.

The next day Will doesn’t remember falling on his face in the kitchen or that DJ drove his car home and Jaime drove us home. I slept on the bed in the guest room instead of the couch and i woke up confused and i didn’t know where i was and i was full of anxiety like apocalypse had started and i wasn’t ready, i was sleeping off a hangover. I move to the couch and it’s New Year’s Eve and we remember it’s time to watch the season finale of Peep Show so we load it on the internet.

But we want bloody marys. The only problem is there’s no Clamato and we have to go to the store to get it. This will be difficult but we manage it well. Two bottles of Clamato and some organic celery (cheaper than the regular stuff). These will be amazing marys.

I don’t want to get wasted, i’m not ready and i’m sick as shit from last night. Just a mary or two and i’ll be fine. Except it turned into 3 or 4 of them and i’m not sick anymore and we’re both hungry so we order Pizza Hut because i want stuffed crust and for some reason Pizza Hut is the only place to get it even though it’s been around for like 20 years.

Are you still reading? Is this interesting? My little exploits? The weekend’s not even over yet, we still have New Years to celebrate.


We’re meeting DJ and Jaime again, it’s a house party this year. I don’t want to be in a bar spending all my money and getting in trouble. Besides, my ID’s expired and i don’t feel like convincing door guys to let me in. We’re going to a place called Blue Mesa even though my stomach is wrecked and i ate all that pizza earlier. I just want to party is all.

It’s a super-nice place and there’s a bunch of people at the table, apparently it’s Jaime’s cousin’s birthday too. The girls at the table are cute, the guys are dorks. Kind of. One of them was funny. I spend my time getting out of my own head and not being arrogant and judgmental so i can actually talk and not sit there and stew like i always do.

I love the way these girls talk, especially this one with the curly hair and the mark by her lip. She talks like she’s from the streets and she’ll kick anyone’s ass but she’s dressed like she’s going to a ball. Her friend has this bountiful cleavage and people keep moving around the table so i ended up sitting right across from her and it was like Seinfeld said; it’s like an eclipse. Look once and look away, don’t stare.

I don’t order a drink because i’m sick and i don’t feel like the waiter seeing my expired ID because i don’t think i can convince him to serve me in my condition and i’d rather avoid the social embarrassment it might cause. I don’t even know if i can eat but people tell me the place’s tortilla soup is good so i look at it on the menu and it does look good so that’s what i ordered. The waiter sucks and i’m downing water after water, including Jaime’s glass that i’ve commandeered.

When i turn to listen to the dudes talk, it’s boring stuff. Computers, video games, racing cars. I turn instead back to the females and it’s hilarious tales of falling in the mud in a nice dress or drunken shopping and i’m much more entertained by them than the dudes. Dudes are boring. The tortilla soup evens out my stomach finally.

The crowd makes one more stop at another bar and the door guy doesn’t notice my expiration date and it’s a cool bar with a cool DJ who plays movie clips and then a song related to the scene. Then we leave and get beer and head to the house party.

At the party there’s girls in dresses sitting around a table playing drinking games and people in the backyard around a fire pit and i’m introduced to several people i don’t remember. It’s less than an hour until the ball drops and i wonder if i’ll kiss anyone this year but i doubt it because the only girl i know so far is DJ’s wife. It’s a pretty typical party, people get in fights or get kicked out and girls fall into walls or puke by the back fence. Some woman and i make fun of some girl who nobody really knows because she’s back there puking and barely alive. I tell Will i found him a girlfriend and the woman laughs and says he might have to wipe her off first and i say nah. Then we’re in the back yard later and this girl Brianna with amazing legs tells DJ to go get her friend (the curly haired street-talker) because Brianna doesn’t like the guy she’s talking to. DJ complies and as he’s bringing her out, the guy she was talking to gets mad and tries to stop him. They’re an inch from each other and the other guy didn’t know how close i was watching the situation and if he made a shift in the wrong direction, i was ready to destroy his night. Finally DJ takes care of the street-talker and i calm down. Some Jewish wanna be Seth Rogens get kicked out for packing a bowl in the hostess’s room, then she goes out back and smokes a bowl herself. We’ve had enough, it’s time to go.

We sleep at DJ’s until the morning time then head back to Will’s and sleep some more. David’s back from vacation and he brought a bunch of shot glasses because i’m collecting them, one from each state. I thank him and sleep for a few hours, then get up and watch Netflix for a few hours, then watch Knight and Day, which wasn’t actually a bad movie. We watch a documentary about Skid Row and i go to sleep again, not leaving the house that day.

The next morning i wake up late and shower and leave to my sister’s house. It’s not far and when i get there i immediately play Halo: Reach with my nephews and i only win once. Then 2 of them leave so i decide to play with the twins instead. They’re still giving me dirty looks but the boy twins warms up to me when i create a game of flinging water on him from an empty bottle and the girl twin warms up when i sit on the couch with her and hand her a toy she can’t reach and take the socks she was carrying in exchange. They’re stomping around the house with Juiceboxes in hand and i chase them back and forth and they laugh and crash into walls and then it’s time to go, which is always sad. I hug the twins and Matthew the millennium baby (he’s 11 now) and head off to my car but my sister runs out with Jacob the boy twin and his head is bouncing around like he’s a doll and he’s laughing and he wanted to say goodbye because i guess he didn’t know i was leaving.

Then it’s back to Houston and this blog is too long so i’ll just say that 2010 was the best, hardest year of my life. I had so many breakthroughs and dreams come true and all i want to do in 2011 is top 2010, build on the foundation i’ve established and it’s already looking good so far. I don’t really have any specific resolutions, i’m constantly resolving anyway. I always feel the need to improve on things. I don’t care how happy and pure i am, there’s always a need to learn more and push it farther. I have a drive now, which is something i’ve lacked for a long time.

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