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Pee Shy


I came to a figuration over the week. Figuration is a word, it means the same thing as realization. It’s not even telling me it’s spelled wrong so that means i’m right. Anyway, i noticed a pattern in my life and with how i deal with women. I’m going to keep it vague for now because i don’t have all of the facts and it’s just a theory (are you listening, scientists?). I don’t know who the hell reads this and some of my friends would read it and not tell me they’re reading it so that’s another reason i’m being vague. But it has something to do with a cycle i put myself into with girls i’ve dated or slept with. It’s stupid and kind of petty but now that i’ve noticed it maybe it’ll change and i can find a decent girlfriend. Anyway, enough of that. Instead of telling about my whole weekend last week….end, i’m just gonna tell a funny story from it.

Me and my friend Shiloh went to this German festival in Tomball. If you don’t know what Tomball is, it’s a cowboy town. Like big time cowboy town. Not rednecks like where i live, old fashioned cowboys n shit. Anyway, we. got. drunk. The thing i noticed about Shiloh and i is that we’ve never hung out alone, it’s always been in groups. This was the first time she and i were by ourselves. We are no good for each other. She needs someone to keep her in line and that’s not me right now. I’m too much of an instigator. We’ll wreck each other if we’re not careful. Enough prefacing, SHIT.

We spent the festival talking to strangers and running around like crazy and messing with carnies and getting smashed. At one point, Shiloh had to use the restroom but we had no idea where we were or where the closest restroom was. So we walked down this dark alleyway thing and she decides to just go behind this car. I was to hold the toys we got at the festival, a teddy bear made of hundred dollar bills and a pink flamingo marionette puppet, and wait on the other side of the alley for her.

“Don’t listen to me pee,” and i wait for her to go.

But as soon as she starts (i wasn’t listening, don’t worry), a small group of people make their way down the alley. Shit. I tried to whisper to her without drawing attention to myself but she doesn’t notice. There’s no way she’ll finish in time and she’s mostly in plain view as soon as those people pass the car she’s next to. I panic and turn away from the alley and pretend to play with the pink flamingo puppet. Don’t mind me, i’m just a strange guy in an alley by himself playing with a pink puppet. Nothing strange going on here. Then i looked up as the group was passing and all of them were looking at me. I can see Shiloh next to the car behind them with a big smile on her face.

They continue on and Shiloh gets up and runs to me and tells me they were so distracted by me and the puppet, they didn’t see her being unlady-like next to the car a mere foot or two behind them. It was an accident too, i just panicked and got embarrassed, i wasn’t trying to distract the crowd from Shiloh at all. Well, maybe subconsciously i was.

It was a wild wild night and i barely survived it. We barely survived it. I don’t think Shiloh and i should hang out alone too much. We’ll end up in jail or hating each other.

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