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Where Do I Stand? (An Apolitical Rant)


These are some of the most trying and irritating times in America. No, i’m not speaking of our economy or rising crime. It’s an election year. Meaning you can’t go anywhere on the internet without seeing a political cartoon or an abortion debate. Literally any news story or forum thread can (and does) degenerate into an overblown debate with walls of text and arguing of ideals.

You can’t argue ideals, people. They’re intangible, philosophical. It’s a waste of energy trying to control the other side. Guess what? Some of us don’t care about politics. I’ll live my life the way i’ve always lived it. And that’s awesomely.

But where do i stand? I don’t even know myself, really. I tend to lean conservative because i was raised right and that’s where the money is. I disagree with a lot of conservatives though, especially the black-and-white, callous pundits.

Here’s what i believe, somewhat.

The Government:

Look around next time you’re driving. Watch the news every now and then. People need government. Most don’t know what’s good for them. They think it’s okay to act on any little urge and impulse. They think it’s “freedom” to do so. Damn the consequences. They don’t have a basic understanding of denial-of-self. I prefer a bigger government because most people are dumb as a piece of wood and guidance is necessary. The government, though not fully trust-able, isn’t trying to poison us or enslave us. They’re not pumping toxins into our water and they’re not dropping fucking alzheimer’s-causing chemicals into the air. If anyone’s doing that, it’s the pharmaceutical companies. I’ll get to them later.


I think it’s disgusting. It’s not about “No man can tell ME what to do with my own body” and it’s not about preventing deaths from back-alley abortions. That’s absurd. True, since abortion’s legal, it’s your choice if you want to do something that awful to yourself. I can’t deny you that. But don’t make it about feminism because it’s not. It’s only necessary if it’s needed to save the life of the mother, which i assume is pretty rare. Even House has only tackled the issue once. And really, i can’t see it being okay for a woman to carry the baby of a rape. Just imagine having to look into the eyes of the man who raped you. I wish there was another way to take care of it but nobody’s come up with it yet.

Death Penalty:

Nope. Not me. Nobody deserves to die. Nobody. Evil should be locked away and studied. Put them in a 4’x4′ room with nothing in it and let them sit there forever and think of what they’ve done. Who gives a damn about “cruel and unusual”. Who gives a damn how much it costs us. The cost of perpetuating evil supersedes it. Make them smash big rocks into smaller rocks. Don’t kill them. There’s no real way to justify murder. Sure, i like to write violent and mean crime stories but it’s fiction. Nobody deserves to die.

Gun Control:

I agree we need some measure of gun control. There’s a lot of crazies out there. But you can’t take guns out of people’s hands because then only criminals will have them. Guns exist. In an ideal *cough*bullshit*coughcough* world, maybe people shouldn’t have guns. But they’re here. There’s millions of them all over the world. There’s no getting rid of them. There are some bad, fucked up people in the world. I know i said nobody deserves to die but if you come near me or my family and my life is in danger? You sir, at least deserve a new hole or two. Besides, guns are cool as shit. Have you seen someone shoot a Fitty Cal? In person? Don’t tell me that’s not cool as shit.


It’s been around since the beginning of time. War. The military is necessary. You can’t stop war. I agree our reasons for entering another country should be more closely scrutinized. But really, what do we know? We don’t know why they’re really going over there. I bet the soldiers don’t even know. Regular people like you and i aren’t qualified to know these things. We don’t know what threats there really are. The government can’t tell us because the dumb among us would freak out. And shut up about a one-world government. It doesn’t mean the Antichrist will immediately rise up and enslave us.

See? Writing this is boring the crap out of me. Politics are dreadful. I’m not done though.


Don’t really care. Their food is amazing. They’re nice people. I wouldn’t have had most of my girlfriends if it wasn’t for immigration. I know some of the illegal folks are a problem but most of them aren’t a problem. They’re actually helping keep prices low, you fools. The only problem is telling the pilgrims apart from cartel guys. And why are people only concerned with Mexican folks? Is it because they’re our closest neighbors? I love Mexicans. Their women are great, their food is amazing, their culture is rich and old. It sucks the cartels are causing us such problems because i like foreign people.


This is needed. People abuse it sure. But people abuse wives and kids too. Maybe we should get rid of them too, huh? I grew up dirt poor and i’m not sure how we would have managed without welfare. We are an overabundant, rich nation. We owe it to those lesser than us. Have a heart. And yes, drug test them.


Don’t legalize them. What are you, stupid? Yes, weed is pretty tame but it still fucks people’s brains up. They’ll have a wrecked life and they just can’t figure out why but there they are every morning sucking on a bong. People don’t think clearly when they stay high. I’m speaking from experience here. You have prescription pills. Those are more binding to the nation than meth, coke, and heroin combined. Take some of those instead if reality is really that hard for you.


I think it’s a gross and unnatural lifestyle and it’s not at all biological. That’s insulting to humanity. However, these are people just like the rest of us and they struggle like the rest of us. Why do you care if they get married? Marriage is a big, outdated joke anyway, stop defending it. I have lots of gay friends and they’re awesome and nothing like the gays on TV. Men aren’t supposed to act that way, really. Stop.

What else do those idiots argue about? Is that everything?

Religion? Churches shouldn’t be taxed. They provide tons for their communities. Stop being mean and petty. People never report that stuff.

Westboro Baptist? I believe in God. Deeply. And i’m pretty sure he never gave any of us the right to criticize or judge how other people live their lives. Burn it down for all i care.

Global Warming? Yes we have a responsibility to take care of things but look how big and unpredictable the earth is. We’re not the ones in charge, not by a long shot.

Airport body scanners? The TSA folks are not all perverts, you paranoid fucks. They’re actually very helpful and polite. This goes hand-in-hand with ‘War’ above. You don’t know what threats we really face right now. Sit down. Besides, those scanners are cool as shit. It’s like finally being in the future.

Red light cameras? Don’t run red lights, asshole.

Redistribution of wealth? Shut the fuck up and move to China, asshole.

So what am i? Neo-Con? Libertarian? Tea-Partier? Moderate? Independent? Any other numb-nuts label they came up with? Some of us don’t care about politics, remember. Voting is useless unless you’re voting on local officials and laws. Didn’t the 2000 election teach you anything. It’s not about who you want to be our leader. It’s about who THEY want.

Please don’t argue any of these points with me. I won’t bother. I’d rather argue about who’d win in a fight, Batman or James Bond or something. The answer is Batman.

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